OOTD: Decidedly Dotty

Cardigan: thrifted/Secondhand; dress/Kleid: Evans; tights/Strumpfhose: Ulla Popken; shoes/Schuhe: my Dad's garden clogs/Pas Gartenklotschen

Today's outfit is yet another variation on the seafoam coloured cardigan. It's now cool enough to wear tights (and I managed to rip this pair as soon as I had them on ... *sigh*) and I am still a bit ambivalent about them - being very tall I already buy them larger than I should and they are still too short!

scarf/Schal: Passigatti; nail polish/Nagellack:
340 Run Forest Run! by Catrice

Over the last few days we have started to prepare the garden for winter and it really feels like something is ending, putting lots of plants on the compost heap that were productive over the summer months ... looking at the pictures of today's photo session I realized that in a lot of them I look really worried (but maybe I was just too tired ...). As it got colder I put on my new favourite scarf: turquoise and polka dots - what's not to love?!

I hope that you have lots of lovely things planned for this winter - lots of drinking cocoa, Christmas baking, crafting, wearing snuggly jumpers or simply ... being yourself.

Love, Qaroline

see ... I look worried ... very strange ... oh yes: glasses/Brille: eyes + more; earrings/Ohrringe: Bijou Brigitte

---

Das heutige Outfit ist mal wieder eine Variation der altbekannten helltürkisen Strickjacke. Jetzt ist dann wohl mal Strumpfhosenzeit (meine habe ich mir gleich zerrissen, keine zwei Sekunden nachdem ich sie endlich anhatte *ächz*) und ich bin mir immer noch nicht sicher, ob ich das toll finden soll. Da ich so groß bin, kaufe ich sie schon größer als nötig und sie sind immer noch zu kurz!

hair clumsily braided / Haarexperiment

In den letzten Tagen haben wir begonnen, den Garten auf den Winter vorzubereiten und ich habe schon das Gefühl, dass etwas Gutes zu Ende geht, all die Pflanzen, die nach ihrer Blüte und nach der Erntezeit nun auf dem Kompost landen ... als ich die Fotos der heutigen Session durchsah fiel mir auf, wie besorgt ich auf vielen von ihnen aussehe (aber vielleicht war ich auch einfach noch zu müde ...). Als mir kalt wurde, habe ich meinen neuen Lieblingschal umgewurstelt: türkis und Punkte, habe mich sofort in ihn verliebt.

Ich hoffe, dass ihr wunderbare Sachen für diesen Winter geplant habt - viel Kakao trinken, Weihnachtsplätzchen backen, werkeln, kuschelige Pullis tragen oder einfach nur ... man selbst sein.

Love, Qaroline

in need of another perspective

looking happier again ...

The Body Politic: No 3 - Escape

wooly hat/Wollmütze: selfmade/selbstgemacht; cardigan: Samoon; book/Buch: Virginia Woolf: A Room of One's Own & Three Guineas; dress/Kleid: selfmade/selbstgemacht; leg warmers/Stulpen: selfmade/selbstgemacht; shoes/Schuhe (sorry that you can't really see them): Clarks

I want this blog to be positive.

It's just that from time to time it will be necessary for me to go off on a rant - because one of my many daily conundrums is living as a fat woman in a fat-hating society. So this category, "The Body Politic", will provide a space for these (angry) musings. If you can't handle a bit of rage and disappointment - please stop reading right now.

During the last few days I have been thinking about the various means that offer escape from our bodies. Reading, writing, painting - also watching endless movies - can serve as escape routes that are used by fat people to enter different realities in which identification is possible but not dependent on the experience of the body one possesses. Aaawww, this sounds terribly complicated.


I have been writing and making up stories as long as I can remember. My parents tell me that even before I was able to read I would open picture books and pretend to read the book to my little brother - I simply made up a story that went along with the pictures. And in pretending to read I told yet another story: of myself being already able to read.

I grew up in a family which is obsessed with books and the occasional newspaper or magazine. Even when my brother and I were little we used to go with my Mom to our local library, carrying the books that we wished to return in a laundry basket. Even though this meant that German and Literature and sometimes History were comparatively easy to deal with for me in school, it soon became apparent that literature provided another possibility: with the help of books I managed to withdraw from my body.

I spent the majority of my existence living in books and I continue to do so, because I still consider this one of the most enjoyable experiences that can be had in this life - getting lost in a good story. (This is why some television series are highly addictive for me.) I have practiced loosing myself for quite sometime now. As I am preparing to get sucked into a world of my own for the whole of November (for NaNoWriMo - making plans for the characters, considering various plot solutions) I have started to wonder about this wish to disappear into fiction, either by reading or by writing.

One of the most important reasons for me, as I grew up fat, was (obviously) the possibility of loosing myself. Or better yet, to re-brand myself. Writing fiction (and the fantasy genre is really the most effective for this) one can create a multitude of characters that are basically improved versions of oneself. I can give myself a better hairstyle, a desirable body, a much better social life - thinking back to the scribblings of my teenage years most of the stories were just that. 

Being fat and thus being made to feel very undesirable fueled my search for new escape routes - VHS cassettes and later DVDs became incredibly important, and music started to become relevant even though I am really not what you would call musical, which I have often deeply regretted. But nothing worked as well as writing fiction, inventing a whole host of new friends (and enemies), worlds and plot lines. 

The magic for me lies in how the many different facets of self are scattered through fiction. Reading through old manuscripts I discover endless references to real life situations and even in my fantasy fiction period lots of virtual reality mirrored actual reality - a lot of my protagonists had serious body issues (although they didn't tend to be fat - or if they were, this usually wasn't their particular problem). 

Writing can be a lot more than providing the means to escape. Writing can be a useful tool to deal with real life issues and I am convinced that it helped me to start re-thinking my life, back in 2008. Fact is that I usually have one or three ideas on the go and this helps to keep my thoughts busy as well as experiencing the rapture of the actual writing process - which can be extremely frustrating, infuriatingly slow or even non-productive, but also very exciting and exquisite. I would go as far as calling it delicious, maybe you'll understand what I actually mean even though it is difficult to express. It is a bit like using words like spices, but instead of manipulating your taste buds you manipulate your own emotions. You can make yourself feel happy or sad, or wallow in wish fulfillment fantasies - there are so many possibilities!

Escape can turn into self care, into something that actually helps you to cope with the fat-hating society we are living in, by boosting your self-esteem (well, sometimes). But for me it is important to see the other side as well: escaping, hiding, trying to make oneself into a more lovable person to please others - I am still aware of my old reflexes even though I try to get every last bit of joy out of the experience.

Love, Qaroline

---

Ich habe noch keine deutsche Version dieses Textes. Wenn Du eine Übersetzung lesen möchtest, bitte kontaktiere mich unter qaroline.s.qonundrums@gmail.com und ich werde mich bemühen, sie so rasch wie möglich anzufertigen. Danke!

glasses/Brille: eyes + more

Week of Cakes - 24/10/12

For the last 7 days I have been baking a lot - and I thought it would be nice to share some pictures.

As the thought of fat women eating cake seems to be very provocative, this new category can be seen as an illustrated "up yours" to everyone who thinks fat people should be agonising over every bite they eat and so: on with the show!

---

Über die ganze letzte Woche hinweg habe ich total viel gebacken und dachte, es wäre ganz nett, ein paar Bilder von der Orgie ins Netz zu stellen.

Dicke Frauen, die Kuchen essen, scheinen unglaublich provokant zu sein - deshalb ist diese neue Reihe auch ein Ätsch an alle, die glauben, dicke Leute sollten sich wegen jedem Bissen quälen - on with the show!

not one of my cakes, unfortunately: Kestnertorte at the Hofcafé, Domäne Marienburg near Hildesheim: light and dark sponge cake, marzipan, nougat, cranberries and caramelized muesli / Keiner von meinen Kuchen, leider leider: Kestnertorte im Hofcafé, auf der Domäne Marienburg, bei Hildesheim: heller und dunkler Biscuitteig, Marzipan, Nougat, Preiselbeeren und karamellisierte Haferflocken

a traditional butterscotch cake from Brittany, party-size! / Traditioneller Butter-und-Rum-Kuchen aus der Bretagne, Partygröße!

I needed lots of egg yolks for the butterscotch cake and this is how I started to get rid of the egg whites: pumpkin meringue pie / Für den Rumkuchen brauchte ich sehr viele Eigelb - und mit Kürbis-Baiser-Kuchen verarbeitet man zumindest einen Teil der übrigen Eiweiße

Me, preparing to eat my pie / Ich in Erwartunghaltung

my take on the Victoria Sponge: sponge cake, meringue, cranberries, cream! / Meine Version des Victoria Sponge Cake: Biscuit, Baiser, Preiselbeeren [Idee von der Kestnertorte gemopst], Sahne

and finally: the last of the eggwhites! spicy macaroons filled with cream [cinnamon blossom, cinnamon and cardamom] / Und endlich das letzte Eiweiß: Gewürzmacaroons, mit Sahne gefüllt [Zimtblüte, Zimt und Kardomom]

result! / Endergebnis!

If you would like to receive information about the individual recipes, please contact me under qaroline.s.qonundrums@gmail.com!

---

Wenn du gern die Rezepte hättest, schreib mir unter qaroline.s.qonundrums@gmail.com!

Indian Summer Bouquet

These are almost the last flowers from my Mom's garden, there are still some to find but it requires a fair bit of imagination to make them into anything ornamental. For this bouquet I picked the most colourful blossoms I could find to counteract the grey skies and soft rains of late October. I have put the flower names in the picture today, it's a bit fiddly (as I have no access to Photoshop and have to do everything in Paint - eurgch!) but I think I will continue to do it like this. 

I will try to dedicate this day to self-care and to things that I really like to do - drinking lots of tea, reading the last volume of Virginia Woolf's diaries, baking a fabulous cake, going to a regional chocolate factory outlet with my Dad (yay! I loooooooooove dark chocolate with seasalt! sounds odd but is so delicious!) and doing a bit of planning for my November novel project. 

I hope that you too will have the possibility to do something you really love today.

Love, Qaroline 

---

Das sind jetzt so ziemlich die letzten Blumen aus dem Garten. Es gibt immer noch ein paar, aber da muss man sich schon ein wenig anstrengen, um was zauberhaftes draus zu ... hm, zaubern halt. Für diesen Strauß habe ich die farbstärksten Blüten gepflückt, die ich noch finden konnte: rosa Geranien, lila Storchschnabel, dunkelrote Dahlien, kleine weiße Rosen [Sorte Schneewittchen], Ringelblumen und lila Astern. Ich hoffe, sie helfen ein bisschen gegen den grauen Himmel und den feinen Nieselregen, der hier so Ende Oktober einsetzt.

Ich versuche mal, diesen Tag gänzlich den Dingen zu widmen, die ich liebe und die mir besonders gut tun: viel Tee trinken, den letzten Band von Virginia Woolfs Tagebuch lesen, einen großartigen Kuchen backen, ein hiesiges Schokoladenfabrik-Outlet besuchen (dunkle Schokolade mit Meersalz ist so unglaublich lecker! klingt merkwürdig, ist aber einfach nur göttlich!) und mir den Schreibplan für mein Novemberbuch-Projekt zurechtzuskribbeln.

Ich hoffe, dass Ihr heute auch etwas tun könnt, das Euch richtig gut tut oder das Euch sehr am Herzen liegt!

Love, Qaroline

the stones at the bottom of the vase I collected at the Baltic coast / Unten in der Vase wohnen Steine von der Ostseeküste, selbstgesammelt!

Writing Project: National Novel Writing Month!

Oh my god, this is really scary ... I have just signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) even though I haven't the foggiest how to produce 50 000 words in ONE month!

I can't enter the project I would be really keen to work on as I have started with it some time ago and I really want to play by the rules (what is the point otherwise?) - so I have to either enter some half-baked idea that would really need a few more months to ripen or start with the third part of a larger writing project that I have at least started to think about ... aaaaargh! (must obviously work on my oooooooh-let's-do-that-then impulses ...)

Another big problem for me is that I usually start with a handwritten manuscript and revise by typing the second draft into the computer so either I will have to write really fast or type from the beginning which usually ends in complete disaster. Brilliant.

I simply love the idea of the national novel writing month and there is a German division (although it would be fun to try writing in English ...) - and I really love that November is the month of choice! 

Please please please wish me luck and the necessary stamina! 
Yours, Qaroline

---

Okay, wahrscheinlich habe ich gerade einen gewaltigen Fehler begangen.

Ich habe mich soeben als Mitmacher beim National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) eingetragen, obwohl ich keine Ahnung habe wie man 50 000 Wörter in EINEM Monat schreibt!

Mit dem Projekt, an dem ich wirklich gern arbeiten würde, kann ich leider nicht teilnehmen, da ich schon begonnen habe, daran zu schreiben und ich möchte mich wirklich, wirklich an die Regeln halten (sonst kann man es ja gleich lassen). Also muss ich mir jetzt innerhalb von 9 Tagen noch was ganz Neues ausdenken oder den dritten Teil eines größeren Projekts schreiben, über den ich zumindest schon mal nachgedacht hab - aaaargh! (Muss definitiv an meinem Ooooooooooh-lass-uns-da-mal-mitmachen-Impuls arbeiten ...)

Ein weiteres Problem ist auch, dass ich normalerweise alles erst mal per Hand schreibe und dann die zweite Version in den Computer tippe. Entweder muss ich jetzt sehr schnell schreiben oder es direkt tippen, was meistens in einer totalen Katastrophe endet. Na fein.

Die Idee eines National Novel Writing Month ist natürlich absolut großartig und es gibt tatsächlich eine deutsche Abordnung (obwohl es schon lustig wäre, es auf Englisch zu versuchen) - und natürlich ist es fantastisch, dass ausgerechnet November der Austragungsmonat ist!

Bitte bitte bitte wünscht mir das nötige Glück und Durchhaltevermögen!
Eure Qaroline

OOTD: Coral and October Rust

top: H&M; coral necklace/Korallenkette: gift/Geschenk; skirt/Rock: C&A; leg warmers/Stulpen: selfmade/selbstgemacht; boots/Stiefel: Bluntstone

It is unseasonably warm today - this is a very "everyday" outfit, combined with a statement necklace. This lovely (and incredibly heavy) coral necklace was a gift from my Mom. I don't usually wear coral red as I'd rather choose reds that are way more bluish, like burgundy. But as I recently made a pomegranate brooch I chose to add both to this otherwise quite dull top. The leg warmers are made from the same homespun grey wool as my cardigan and are simply the most fabulous things ever!

hair pinned up in (mad) swirls / die Haare sind
aufgezwirbelt und mit Haarnadeln aufgesteckt

The garden changes a lot these days, almost all of the autumn colours are out now. I love autumn and have a especially soft spot for November, the month nobody seems to like that much. Somehow its bleakness appeals to me. As the pomegranate is the fruit associated with November this outfit is like a look into the future!

pomegranate brooch/Granatapfelbrosche:
selfmade/selbstgemacht; tarmac coloured nail polish/asphaltgrauer Nagellack: 720 glory by p2 colour victim

---

Heute ist es für die Jahreszeit gruselig warm - dies ist ein totales Alltagsoutfit, aufgewertet mit einer aufsehenerregenden Korallenkette (die unglaublich schwer ist). Ich habe sie von meiner Ma geschenkt bekommen, aber eigentlich trage ich kaum Korallenrot, eher Burgunder. Da ich aber neulich erst eine Granatapfelbrosche gestickt habe, sind beide heute Accessoires zum sonst eher mehlwurmgrauen Top. Die Stulpen sind aus der gleichen grauen handgesponnenen Wolle wie mein Cardigan und zu dieser Jahreszeit einfach das Beste!

glasses/Brille: eyes + more

Der Garten verändert sich gerade sehr, fast alle Blätter sind nun rot oder gelb. Ich liebe den Herbst, besonders den November, der ja sonst eher unbeliebt ist. Ich mag seine Kargheit. Übrigens ist der Granatapfel die Frucht, die mit dem Monat November assoziiert wird und deshalb ist dieses Outfit gleich ein kleiner Blick auf Dinge, die da kommen!

The Body Politic: No. 2 - Clothes

I want this blog to be positive.

It's just that from time to time it will be necessary for me to go off on a rant - because one of my many daily conundrums is living as a fat woman in a fat-hating society. So this category, "The Body Politic", will provide a space for these (angry) musings. If you can't handle a bit of rage and disappointment - please stop reading right now.

Only a few years ago I discovered that I actually like to play around with clothes, different styles, different accessories. Before that (fashion-wise at least) my life used to be pretty bleak. I hated the clothes my Mom bought for me (well, that’s not that unusual, I’m sure) and they tended to be the usual tent-like clothes for fat people, even though back then I was big and muscly rather than fat.

Being so much at odds with my body I settled on a kind of well-what-else-is-there hippie style, but mostly I wore what few clothes fit my height and the width of my shoulders: flannel shirts and corduroy flares. This became my uniform for most of my school years. If I dared to wear something different the reactions of my school mates showed me that I was not supposed to make an effort, “it’s not right for you”, “it’s not you” etc.

Like so many fat girls I had the usual horrible shopping experience: being made to watch a thin friend in a high street store trying on hundreds of different outfits while literally nothing in the same store would have fitted me. I usually came back from those trips thoroughly hating myself and the world around me (as well as the particular friends who didn’t even realise what they were putting me through).

When I discovered the plus-sized store chain that is situated on every high street in Germany this was a genuinely astonishing experience for me – a shop in which everything could (at least theoretically) have been worn by me! Of course I still didn’t have the money to buy my own clothes there but I usually convinced my Mom to buy at least a few pieces. The more affordable plus-sized range at H&M tends to cater for a very unrealistically shaped fat woman but at least I found some clothes there that fit my own idea of what kind of a person I was.

Clothes tell stories about the identities we wish to assume. I usually pick some fashionable pieces each season that I really like and so my wardrobe tends to be a thorough mix of pieces I wear again and again. My feelings towards the fashion industry are deeply ambivalent though. I like to watch documentaries about various fashion labels and to see how new ideas about clothes develop but the body image the industry (usually) promotes is so very disturbing … I guess a lot of healthy scepticism is needed when discussing fashion. In a way I am grateful for being fat and interested in fashion. It gives me the opportunity to view all this from a critical perspective – but also to enjoy and make the most of the possibilities given to fat people.

However, it must be stressed that the scarcity of plus-sized clothes ranges seriously restricts fat people, especially fat people who wear larger sizes (like me) and thus are made to feel like proper social outcasts. Another example is the non-existence of plus-sized pregnancy clothes – a fat friend of mine who is in the 7^th month of her pregnancy got very frustrated when she tried to find anything wearable on our local German high street. She said this made her feel really freaky – as if fat people were somehow not supposed to have babies.

Finding a way to dress that tells the story of myself that I want to tell, has been quite a quest – although I am sure that a lot of people would tell me that this is frivolous and unimportant, it has been a valid experience for me in order to find at least a sort of inner balance. People still react strongly to my appearance and the comments that are made about my body have actually become more frequent – I guess people think: Well, she makes herself visible, this gives me the right to say something about her fat arse. But I’m starting to find a way to cope with this; the playful aspect of fashion appeals so much to me that I refuse to give it up and sink back into blandness …

I am aware that this is just another kind of uniform and a brightly coloured façade to hide my annoyance and at times my vulnerability. I tend to dress really colourful whenever I am feeling unsure about myself and my ability to cope with my life. We fat people interested in fashion have to work hard at our own style – and I have the feeling that our style often becomes something much closer to ourselves, much more personal than the style of people who just take their pick of everything in the shops. This impression might be unfair – please let me know if you wish to talk about these issues, I would be delighted to discuss them!

---

Ich habe noch keine deutsche Version dieses Textes. Wenn Du eine Übersetzung lesen möchtest, bitte kontaktiere mich unter qaroline.s.qonundrums@gmail.com und ich werde mich bemühen, sie so rasch wie möglich anzufertigen. Danke!

OOTD: Dragonflies and New Glasses

Cardigan: thrifted/Secondhand; scarf/Schal: thrifted/Secondhand; dress/Kleid: selfmade/Selbstgemacht; shoes/Schuhe: Deichmann

Today is a gloriously sunny autumn day in this particular part of Germany and the perfect opportunity to wear one of my linen dresses (which I made during the last weeks in my sowing class!) with the seafoam-coloured cardigan from the local charity shop, a green-striped scarf I found in a thrift shop in Deventer (Netherlands) and the brown and white sneakers I like for their vintagey look. On Monday I got 2 pairs of new glasses (my eyes haves switched from farsighted to nearsighted over the last years, so now I will wear glasses constantly, not just for reading) and I really like their sadistic supply teacher style! The earrings I found at Bijou Brigitte - I love, love, love dragonflies, and currently own 3 pairs of dragonfly earrings - insect related jewellery is also a bit of an inherited obsession - one of my Mom's favourite pieces is an Art Deco cicada brooch made from bakelite.

earrings/Ohrringe: Bijou Brigitte

---

Heute strahlt die Sonne über Ostwestfalen und natürlich ist das die perfekte Gelegenheit um doch noch mal die Sommerkleider rauszukramen - dieses olivfarbene Kleid habe ich während der letzten Wochen in meinem Nähkurs gemacht, es ist aus günstigen IKEA-Stoff, schließlich war es ein Testprojekt ... der meerschaumfarbene Cardigan entwickelt sich gerade zu meinem Lieblingsstück, der grün gestreifte Schal stammt aus einem Second Hand Laden in Deventer (Niederlande), die braun-weißen Sneaker mag ich wegen ihrer Vintage-Anmutung. Am Montag habe ich dann auch 2 neue Brillen abholen dürfen (während der letzten Jahre haben sich meine Augen entschieden, nicht mehr weitsichtig sein zu wollen und jetzt bin ich kurzsichtig, werde jetzt immer Brille tragen, nicht nur zum Lesen!) und der sadistisch veranlagte Vertretungslehrerin-Stil liegt mir eigentlich ganz gut. Die Ohrringe sind von Bijou Brigitte - ich liebe Libellen und habe augenblicklich ganze 3 Paar Libellenohringe. Die Vorliebe für Insektenschmuck liegt auch in der Familie, die Lieblingsbrosche meiner Ma ist eine Jugendstil-Zikade aus Bakelit!

glasses/Brille: eyes + more